you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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