Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
