also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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