It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
