Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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