Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Randomize
