Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
