I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
