I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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