Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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