Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
