I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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