Duck Duck Cougar?
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
