Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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