I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
