All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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