I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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