i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Randomize
