when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize