his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
