All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
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