What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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