Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
