remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
