you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
