im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
he just fucked me for my cheese..
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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