My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You are a booty call, not a friend.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
