I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
