my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
