dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You are the jesus of drinking
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Randomize
