I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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