I cannot find my penis.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
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