I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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