I think i peed on brittanys purse
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize