The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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