I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
