ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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