how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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