The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
