Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
