FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
You ruined the universe
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
