I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
