wrigley field is MILF paradise
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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