If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
