Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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