I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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