i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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