So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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