theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Randomize
