It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
