The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
