By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Randomize
