i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
