Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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