If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
