once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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