she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
