I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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