DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
