Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
