I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Less talking, more tequila
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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